Somewhere, a woman you know is planted on the couch in a pair of yoga pants she has never worn for stretching.
If she's new to this ritual, she might address the TV at some point, outraged: "I went to high school with hotter girls than that."
Depending on which cycle of "America's Next Top Model" is being looped, she'll see Twiggy, Janice Dickinson or Paulina Porizkova trying to help a fleet of mostly hopeless hopefuls navigate the treacherous waters surrounding Tyra Banks.
"Top Model," especially in its saturated, syndicated marathon form, is a haven to gaze upon and critique other women, especially those who haven't perfected walking on spikes without crying. It's a zoo-like, oddly validating experience for the woman who once spent her adolescent allowance on a strawberry-flavored lip gloss, trying to reconcile what she saw in Vogue, Elle and Harpers with her own closet, mirror and scale.
And after a few wasted Sundays, that woman will be dismissing jaw-dropping beauties on jaded industry terms. "She could make money doing catalog, I guess."
A few imitators have bubbled up to challenge "Top Model" on the reality catwalk, but they've been short-lived snoozefests. Now Tyra's real-life nemesis, British supermodel/loose cannon Naomi Campbell, is throwing her cellphone into the ring. Technically, "The Face" is hosted by photographer Nigel Barker, who was booted from "Top Model" during a judging panel purge last year.
Like "The Voice," where three recording artists act as mentor coaches to singers they've chosen for their "teams," "The Face" pits its celebrities against one another. Going up against Campbell are an angular-yet-bouncy Victoria's Secret icon (Karolina Kurkova) and an edgy, 24-year-old prodigy of paleness (Coco Rocha).
The three are competing for ... bragging rights? Screen time? Whatever, it's an excuse for Campbell to throw hissy fits in a safely staged environment. And make no mistake, this is really "The Naomi Campbell Show."
Kurkova has a fun Czech accent, so it's fun to think of her as the East German judge, despite her attachment-parenting style of mentoring.
Rocha once pulled a Riverdance to open a Gaultier runway show, and she's since taken on a daredevil, Tim Burton-esque persona. Rocha creates a level of buzz that Tyra hasn't seen since she was the first African-American on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Rocha, combined with the new format of "The Face," creates a real threat to the Tyra empire. Despite the coming "Top Model" shake-up for Cycle 20 this summer, we already know Headmistress Tyra, Cleopatra Tyra, Bodysuit Tyra, Extensions Tyra, Photographer Tyra, Dr. Phil Tyra ...
"The Face" does start out a little less ridiculous than your typical surreal "Top Model" opener, where contestants once navigated an underwater platform while trapped in inflatable plastic balls. (Maybe a response to the blogosphere calling the contestants "hamsters"?) Another "runway test" featured giant pendulums that sent models flying. "The Face," with a focus on posing, strutting and styling in its first few weeks, has room to fall.
Tyra will no doubt be annoyed that "The Face" has borrowed some its trustworthy archetypes: The teary, last-chance single mom. The defiant Eastern European bootstrapper. The eye-rolling college girl. And that pervasive staple of reality TV, the Volatile Black Woman (which "Top Model" hasn't exactly neglected, either).
Like "Top Model," enjoying "The Face" will be enhanced by picking a favorite and hoping she makes it to the end. If she doesn't, clearly the vote against her will be arbitrary and unfair. Some "Top Model" fans - OK, probably just me - are still smarting over Cycle 10, when Katarzyna was sent home after correcting Tyra on how to pronounce her name.
The contestants haven't made it into Vogue, so they're not wearing $294 Dolce & Gabbana T-shirts for us to feel poor about. They're not beckoning us with filtered symmetry from behind the perfume counter.
Instead, they line up in jeans and black tanks, tight ponytails distilling them down to cheekbones, clavicles and clamoring ambition. The young women of "The Face" are blank canvases by the dozen at a time, begging to be judged on their looks, and we'll be tuning in.
Because Tyra Banks isn't the only one who likes to tear down pretty girls all day.
TOP MODEL SUCCESS STORIES
ADRIANNE CURRY
The first-ever winner of "Top Model," Adrianne signed up for VH1's "The Surreal Life," where she hooked up with Christopher Knight, aka Peter Brady, which led to three (!) seasons of "My Fair Brady" and a Playboy cover.
EVA MARCILLE
The winner of "Top Model's" Cycle 3 went on to a successful acting career, including a stint on "The Young and the Restless." Her character's name? Tyra. Most recently, Oxygen gave her the unnecessary reality series "Girlfriend Confidential."
ANALEIGH TIPTON
The third-place finisher of Cycle 11 played Steve Carell's love-struck baby sitter in "Crazy, Stupid, Love" in 2011 and the friend of the love-struck Julie (Teresa Palmer) in the zombie romantic comedy hit "Warm Bodies."